My iPhone is making me look like an iDiot

I watch Fox News every evening as if watching a game show, shouting out every typo and grammar error as though a prize awaits me at the end of the newscast. I've recently also taken to commenting on their poor type layout, not solely reserving my criticism for their poor command of the English language and proofing abilities. I'm absolutely convinced that their CG is in the hands of some big whig's illiterate child.

I tell you this so that you understand the level of OCD I have when it comes to typographical errors and grammatical mistakes. Within emails and texts, I do employ a degree of 'acceptable error' but I still treat with disdain clearly sloppy application of decorum.

And I love my iPhone, don't get me wrong. I can't imagine life without it, nor remember life before it. But for some reason it's been messing with me for the past few weeks, and it's making me look like an idiot.

For starters, the
Return key is placed
Where I seem
To hit it
All the time resulting
In messages that look
A lot like this.

And as if that weren't bad enough, the predictive type feature has my OCD-level grammar and typo-spotting affliction taking me to new heights of apoplexy.

Take for example a recent exchange with my brother, who sent some long-awaited good news my way via text. Meaning to send him a reply that was also a sign of gratitude to the patron saint of difficult problems, I said "Thanks St. Jude."

What my brother received was "Thanks get nude." Not at all an appropriate response for the situation, I assure you.

Yesterday I sent him a message letting him know that I got his daughter Abby some great stuff for her "bray." She did recently have a cold, but I was not suggesting that I had purchased any Robitussin for her donkey-like cough. Rather, I purchased some great items for her birthday. Certainly, I assumed iPhone would recognize "bday" as the universally-acceptable SMS version of the word.

Every single day I find myself hitting send in the mistaken belief that my iPhone has my back, only to later realize that in my haste to communicate, I am committing faux pas after faux pas, leaving a trail of incomprehensible gibberish behind me.

While not a new issue by any means, it's reached a fevered height since I upgraded my original iPhone to the new iPhone OS. Making me question why I upgraded at all. I can't use the new MMS functionality because my iPhone is too old. And I can't use some of the cool new tools because my iPhone isn't 3G. Leading me to the only logical conclusion: Apple is trying to force me to upgrade.

Think about it. Apple knows everything about me. I've owned Apple products since 1991 - from my first Mac Classic, to my current G5 system and every iteration of iPod in between. And I register all of them.

They also likely know the content of every email, text and photo I've sent through the ether for years. They're smarter than the CIA I tell ya'. And they know how to get me.

By inserting faulty logic into my latest upgrade, they've found the one chink in my armor that will likely result in me unclenching my grip on my wallet and forging ahead to purchase a brand new iPhone.

They thought the 3G network would get me, but no. The ability to send photos without that crappy "" interface might sway me, but no. True GPS technology? Eh. So they sunk to an all-time low. Turn her into a typo-making ignoramus and she'll cave.

I now know how Achilles must have felt.